DFitz Video Diary

HAnd of Hearts

I wipe the obvious from the face of my heart
I love him but there no room to start
A love affair he's the one I love and care for
The only one I love and adore, but furthermore
The unspokeness is drowning out the noise
And the noise is taking away from my poise
I tried real hard to deny the truth you did too
But when I saw you play the ace of heart I followed suit
Put my king down and you won that book
We leave the table holding hands the opponents shook
I say I'll never leave your side even though you reneged
I gotta hand full of hearts to give...
You call me ya girlfriend only when you feeling my body
And when we hit the spot light then I turn to nobody
I ain't trying to call you out but you hearing me screaming
A perfect life with you I could only be dreaming
And I tried many times to be more than just friends
Deny my love while you holding my hand
Eye to eye, you keeping me in the life of pretend
But I need you kinda like I need my pen
You are my sanity yet you drive me crazy
You make things clear even though we are hazy
Did me wrong a couple times and yet I stayed true
Turn your face when I made a request from you...
I keep my mind on this money and intangle you with my grind
And since I can't have your heart I'll capture your mind
So that I can erase the thought of you ever leaving
Change what this life has you believing
Because if another time comes and you renege
I'ma find another partner who has more to give
And knows how to play and wont treat me that way
Someone who gives a damn about me everyday
I just want to be happy and my happiness is you
So to you I will do, plot my course make my move
And if you decide that maybe you need me in your life
Then the heart i have left will survive and my hope for love is revived

I'm fooling myself

Its a museum my life, that life of mine

That life I find, so fake and unkind

I sit and rewind to find the place and time

When it corrupt my mind, when it shattered my spine

A dime, I try to be, its my mentality

My originality was suppose to serve as my reality

But my reality is really my fantasies

Everyday in the cool breeze you on top of me

You see, there I go again he is just my friend

Never neglects to defend the situation he's in

The competition is a trend, been happening since when

Since when, I first saw his face, I first shared his space

Now we walk at a pace, a bond that can't be erased

We try to hide it in case, someone tries to deface

Misplace, this whole situation and my infatuation

Is within every statement, his revelations

Of my emancipation and proclamations

Notations, in the back of my write but before my might

My reasons for my right, you are who I like

And maybe we just might...maybe we just might

Psych!, there I go again trying to pretend

That I can come in and take another's man

He is only my friend, recite that again

He is only my friend, he is only my stand

Gotta comprehend, he is not for me, not equipped for D

For he is to be a great human being

And me seeing that I am only for feeling

Its killing, better yet I'm revived the light in my life

Wants another as his wife so I deal with that strife

Quit operating on might, push on and fight

Right? So I lay in the arms of another, wishing for the other

Coveting trouble, realizing my struggle

Pep talks in the huddle, but late nights in the cuddle

Enjoying each other while my heart flutters

I utter, I'm only fooling my self, he wants someone else

And I'll be put on the shelf, and then pushed to the left

I'll be angry with self, should've went for the theft

I'm fooling myself!

I'm fooling myself!

I'm ruling myself!

Confusing myself!

For someone else.....

-DFitz

Write is Right

Untold Story

If you haven't been through anything then this is not for you

Not to say get measuring tape to match what I been through

We all got our struggles but mine kinda got to me

Left me with one leg to stand on but I'm still hopping

I'm still moving regardless of my heartachs

And I'm not stopping because I made a couple mistakes

My main battle is within me so I fight my self

I do this so I won't fight anybody else

The pain that I feel and that tears i have cried

Had the same orgin it all came from the inside

So I'm not going to take it out on nobody

I'd rather battle demons inside my body

Everyone think they can understand DFitz

But they can't see DFitz really need an exorcist

Maybe not that, but just something close

Lay hands on my body and pray for my soul

I seen it all before age five so I begin life fast

Sex, drugs, alcohol, and running that cash

I've seen them sniffing lines, I got a taste my self

Kept it under the bed, then moved it to the shelf

Top shelf where the hennesy and remy sat

Out in the open drunk as hell laid out on my lap

The parties, the people, the pain, the trouble

Seeing my parents careless, it was all a struggle

The smoke, the break-up, the police, the guards

It kinda broke me up but never tore me apart

Its proof that I'm hard, hell I had to be

Thinking I was to blame for the problems in my family

Daddy leaving me, said it was because of work

It could've been true but then the truth hurts

Mommy always gone, thought she didn't like me

Because when she was around she was constanly yelling

Later I come to find out she was battling demons too

Yet her sorry never healed the pain I had to go through

So as I grew up, living life was a hard task

Because I was use to the sex, alcohol, and cash

Now my folks talking about loving Jesus Christ

Well, where was He for the first part of my life

I went to church but my mind went in the gutter

Sat through the sermons in one ear out the other

Played the role like I was just so happy

Yet everyday took a small piece from me

Became an outcast quit hanging with chicks

Because I hated what being a female represents

So I quit bonding with girls made friends with the guys

Which only made things worse in my life

Because through my teen years boys are trying to cut

And because of distachment I was scared to touch

So I just shook hands and threw high fives

Then I started keeping everyone out of my life

I always fought, at the crack of a whip

If someone looked at me wrong I went and handled it

And the only thing that kept me from being expelled

Was track but I was still running right to hell

College was no better life for me only got worse

I started to think my life was the result of a curse

Wasn't ready but he was so he took my shit

And since that day I just been giving it

I would rather give it than have it taken away

But now sex is just a physical thing, which is hard to say

And I went from worse to awful in relationships

Cause the man I loved used to bust my lips

He use to bruise my back, leave marks on my face

I left him alone when the blood got too much to taste

Life was at a stand still for me I could not move

Every guy I tried to love left me feeling misused

No matter how hard I tried I just could not breath

Finally I just gave up but God never gave up on me

I moved away from it all, ran from my situations

All the demons I was running from though I faced them

My days are better now, I'm starting to shine

Now I'm a gold bar when I was a dime

The life I know I wanted to go untold

But I share it to make sure I know

DFitz is going to make it, broken glass can be fixed

So now God is working on me and I'm not going to resist

Sometimes I find myself confused. I want so much to be a great person and it just seems I can't. I never ask for money or gifts, but smiles. Funny, I fiend for smiles. I need the smile of another person to be happy because I can't seem to find a smile within my self that can suffice. Ironically, I'm known for my smile. I'm noted for my dimples. But if you could only see me for who I am perhaps you could understand my hunger for acceptance. I am damned with a creative soul. I march to a different drum and sing to a different tune. I called weird and abnormal. I'm laughed at and questioned. And bottom line, I always misunderstood. How great would it be to just find an equal, someone who can understand my complex thinking. But I think that would be asking too much. Sometimes I feel there is a darkness that surrounds my paths and there are demons that dance around my destiny. Today was one of the most trying days in my life and as I type I struggle to fight back the army of tears itching to be released. I'm tired of investing time into situations only to be left "in the hole". I put in time only to be disappointed. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of wanting so badly to fit in somewhere with somebody. I just want to be happy with me. And that's what I been trying to do, but the more time I spend alone, the more destructive I become. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I just gotta write. I just gotta get this out of me. I just got to learn I don't have to go out my way to help anyone that wont do the same for me. I have to learn how to respect me enough to demand respect from others. Basically, I just have to remember I never had a place amongst the normals. I have to quit trying so hard to fit in when I was born to stand out. I have to be the woman God created me to be. And He never created me to be a doormat. I feel better, not the best, but better than I felt when I first started typing this. I got to love me...

I asked him how long will it take for him to trust me
I told him that I was becoming weak and the bruces on my knuckles were starting to bleed
It was starting to hurt trying to bang down the wall around his heart
He told me that I knew what I signed up for and if I wanted to quit, it wouldn't hurt him at all
So not only did I have bleeding knuckles, but I could feel my devotion tear into pieces
For so long I stood in front of his life undressed, nude so he could see I wasn't hiding anything
Anything he asked I answered, any requested I filled it, all for him
I declared that I loved him and left myself open, anything could have killed me
But it was a chance that I took, I just wanted him to see that if no one wanted his love...I did
He didn't know that I sold my pride for three years worth of strength
He wasn't aware that I traded my happiness for more time with him
No, I never told him, he didn't know about the other men that had seen me open and offered their hands to me
And he wasn't aware of all that I had lost just to break through to him
Other girls threw rocks at me, calling me stupid and dumb
They said he wasn't worth it, and at this time, I was starting to believe it
So I said to him, weary from being worn down by time
If I can't come into your life right now, I'm leaving!
And from behind the wall around his heart I could see him waving goodbye
The pain was just too much for me to handle, I was just too hurt
I thought to myself, what kind of person could be okay with not feeling
What kind of man wouldn't want the love of a real woman?
I just knew that I couldn't feel this way ever again...
So brick by brick I built the same wall around my heart that he had
Held together by dissspointment and tears, it stands strong now
And I am away from all those who have hurt me and those who will ever try
And from time to time I peek out and see a gentleman banging on my wall
I give him that hardy good luck and retreat back behind my comfort zone
Its safe here...safe and lonely...

I ended another night of arguing with "Just love me like I deserve!" That's something he never heard

I never said it before and it kept him from walking out the door and

Furthermore it made him think...

He didn't know what to say for I never approached him that way

Use to my passive ways better yet ways of pass

And at last he asked..."How should I love you?"

I told him I wanted a real kinda love

the kinda love that makes up you pick up the phone and dial the only eleven digits that reach me when you know I'm at work but my voicemail will do all because you want to hear my voice

I want the kinda of love that makes you sacrifice your last five dollars until payday which happens to be next Friday just because I said I want a number 4 at McDonald's

I want the kinda of love that makes you stand up for me around your mother when she says I'm too thin and you need a thicker lady because that means I can't cook and even though you know I can't cook, you tell her I boil rice well

I want the kinda of love that will have you trying to draw hearts around my name on the back of receipts when you waiting outside my apartment for me to come down so we can finally catch that thriller I've been itching to see

I want that kinda of love that has you bragging to your boys about how much of a blessing I been in your life and next month you just might pop the question

I want the kind of love that Jesus had for us when he carried the cross up the hill to be crucified so that we could have life and have it more abundantly

I want the kind of love that makes you forget that you are you because when you look in the mirror all you see is us

I want the kind of love that can't be reproduced but should be so that we can cook and bag it and sell it by the kilos so that maybe divorce rates would decline

I want the kind of love that makes it hard to breath when I'm not around because you think any air not baring the scent of my perfume is not clean air

I want the kind of love that has you writing how much you love me in braille because you think I can't see it so you are hoping I can feel it

I want the kind of love that you give when you think about all that we been through and we still together because its been times when you wanted to break me in two

I want the kind of love that proves how amazing God is because he took two lost souls and pared them so that they can find the true meaning of love together

I told him that I wanted that kind of love, because that is the kind of love I have for him

-DFitz

Write is Right