Operation Love Him and Leave Him

I come to realization that I never really loved him. Not truly. It was really just my sick mental craving of wanting him to want me and only me. So I pretended, like I normally do, to love him. I've loved for real before. When said I love you, I meant it. I felt it. It was real. But when I turn to utter the sacred three words to him, I felt nothing. He always made me feel empty. He never satistfied my need for intellectual gratification. I knew I was not on his level. Yet, my sick mental craving for his infactuation drove me to step down to meet his bar of thinking. I tried to enjoy what he enjoyed, which was neither stimulating nor gratifying. That may explain why I cheated as much as I did. He didn't do it for me, yet he was the one man, that kept me working hard for his love. Funny thing is, I'm still working.

I've tried to scan my past to get to the root of why I treat men the way I do. I have a great father, yet, he wasn't always there. I found myself working over time to try to keep him home with the family, convinceing my young mind that I was the reason for him leaving so much. My mom would tell me that he had to go, it was his job, and he had to take care of us so that we could have all the nice things we had. So I thought, maybe if I helped bring money in, perhaps he wouldn't have to go away. I didn't understand my dad was in the navy and it required him to leave for months at a time. I didn't understand that our country was in the middle of a war (Gulf War) and he had to fight. I just know I didn't want him to go.

I started a business, I had to be like, six or seven. I drew all these pictures and in crayon of course. I taped them to the back of my mom's silver grand prex, and stood outside all day trying to sell those pictures. Trying to make money so my dad would stay home. Funny, I sold one picture to my Grandma, and she gave me a voided check.

My attempt to keep daddy home didn't work, but when my dad found out what I was trying to do, he looked so proud. What I wouldn't do to get that moment back. He was so happy that his child wanted him home so bad that in my own little way I tried to make it so he wouldn't have to leave. It didn't make him stay home, but on that day I became addicted to the feeling of a man being elited to have me around.

I met him through a mutal friend. When I first met him, he was everything I wasn't looking for. He was young, still sucking on his mother's nipple, and didn't own anything. He couldn't even say he bought his own clothes. The one thing he did have going for him was his boyish grin, and his charm. Other than that, he was a self centered momma's boy with a fucked up view of life. On top of that he felt that any female with him should feel honored to have him in her presence. That was funny to me, I had to break him down. I had to make him my bitch. I had to make him feel the same way he made those female feel who followed his trail. Operation love'em then leave him began.

Now, right now you may be thinking, why go through the trouble? Why even waist my time? Amuzement. It kept me amuzed. A joke that only I find funny. A plot great for a story...lol. And perhaps if he can walk in the shoes of a broken heart, he may not be so amp to break one his self.

It wasn't hard making him like me, that was too easy. I slithered my way into his life by secretly finding out on his likes and playing off that. It was so crafty my m.o. I found out he liked to sing, so one day I apporached him with an instrumental another guy friend had given me to write to. I told my victim, excuse me....huh....lets just call him Mike. I told Mike that I wrote something to a song and I would love for him to sing it for me. We arrange a day for him to come by my house and learn the song and from there I had the opportunity to talk to him and find out his weakness. Music was the hole I was looking for in the brick wall around his heart.

I began to flood him with compliments about his music, and how I believed in his talent. Truth be told, I thought he needed a lot of work. And with his work ethics he'd would get no where fast. Yet I told him to not be afraid to step out on faith and go for the goal. He was loving all of it. Taking all that in. See, I could tell, no one in his life was telling him this so it was hard for him to see that it was all me running game. However over time, those hours of stroking his ego paid off and we ended up dating.

He still was an asshole, but I knew when it came to me, I had a special place in his life. I had him doing things he use to brag about never doing for a female. He spent lots on top of lots of his momma's hard earned money on me, he cooked for me, I drove his car around and dropped him off, he made sure my hair and nails were done, and I even had him saying..."I love you". I'd say it back, but I could never mean it.

At one point I started thinking I had him right where I wanted him. Loving only DFITZ, until one day I found something that told me I was not the only one. No he obviously wasn't as smart as I because I had many other friends that spoke to him daily and he never knew that .... okay nevermind all that. Anyway, I saw him on the computer one day and he was on facebook, when I got up to look at his facebook account, he quickly closed the page. Of course that draws suspision. So I'm like, let me see your facebook account, what are you hiding? He told me if I loved him, then trust him. Little did he know I didn't love him so I didn't trust him.

I had managed to learn just about all there is to know about his simple little life. I managed to get into his facebook account at another time by guessing his password. Too easy. What I found was very upseting. The little monster thought he had erased all his inbox, but he didn't erase the notes he sent out. I read them, every last one of them. It was a smake in my face really.

I couldn't decifer if I was hurt or not. I realized that I was a failure. This whole time I thought my game was tight and bam! This happens. Notes to tasha, to trina, marques, alysa, morgan, and the list goes on. He was telling them things like, "Sorry I didn't call you, I got caught up with some other thing". I was that some other thing considering he spent almost every waking moment with me. If I loved him, I would have cried, but I only became angry! I wanted to call him and cuss him out. But I sat in my house and I thought about it. I had to revamp. This whole situation was going to play out in my favor...or else...this whole mission would be in vain.

I picked up the phone...and I called him...



Tune in next week to find out just what did....

They Told me...

He told me go get paid little lady this is your world

Go be somebody great and not your ordinary girl

Make em' respect you give 'em a run for their money

Keep the world laughing when nothing's funny

Make em' pay for your car trust me they won't mind

You give them your all make 'em pay for time

I'm telling you this cause I'm your old man

And it no other out here to take care of you like I can

So take what I say to heart make the world your slave

And if they get a little crazy make em behave

Keep God first in all you do

And at the end of the day they should bow to you



My daddy said...

This is the life you was born to live

Here is the gift you was born to give

Don't be scared to live to give to live



She said if you see a cash cow milk it dry

And make sure you keep three other cash cows in your life

Be satistfied as a girlfriend and content as a wife

Never say I do without a prenup by yourside

Remember that these niggas are shady

So don't to anyone who don't treat you like a lady

Politeness is the key and your heart should stay locked

Keep your legs closed say no kick him out if he shocked

He gets no devotion if he ain't showing a ring

And none of your time if he can't buy you the finer things

Somebody told me these things and I kept that in my bag

And when the time became right I married your dad



My momma said...

This is the life you was born to live

Here is the gift you was born to give

Don't be scared to live to give to live



He told me he would always love and not to never forget

He told me had to go away because he won't on his shit

Said that I deserve better and better he couldn't give

He said the life I was wanting he couldn't live

Told me give him a year and maybe he'd come back

Tired of living in my shadow no man likes that

Said I needed too much and he's living in shame

Living off his girl and off some hoop dreams

Tried to take the advice of dad and mom the same

Float to the top ahead of the game

Now the guy I love is leaving I guess that fine

They said if he couldn't do it he don't deserve my time



My man said...

This is the life you was born to live

Here is the gift you was born to give

Don't be scared to live to give to live