Sometimes I find myself confused. I want so much to be a great person and it just seems I can't. I never ask for money or gifts, but smiles. Funny, I fiend for smiles. I need the smile of another person to be happy because I can't seem to find a smile within my self that can suffice. Ironically, I'm known for my smile. I'm noted for my dimples. But if you could only see me for who I am perhaps you could understand my hunger for acceptance. I am damned with a creative soul. I march to a different drum and sing to a different tune. I called weird and abnormal. I'm laughed at and questioned. And bottom line, I always misunderstood. How great would it be to just find an equal, someone who can understand my complex thinking. But I think that would be asking too much. Sometimes I feel there is a darkness that surrounds my paths and there are demons that dance around my destiny. Today was one of the most trying days in my life and as I type I struggle to fight back the army of tears itching to be released. I'm tired of investing time into situations only to be left "in the hole". I put in time only to be disappointed. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of wanting so badly to fit in somewhere with somebody. I just want to be happy with me. And that's what I been trying to do, but the more time I spend alone, the more destructive I become. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I just gotta write. I just gotta get this out of me. I just got to learn I don't have to go out my way to help anyone that wont do the same for me. I have to learn how to respect me enough to demand respect from others. Basically, I just have to remember I never had a place amongst the normals. I have to quit trying so hard to fit in when I was born to stand out. I have to be the woman God created me to be. And He never created me to be a doormat. I feel better, not the best, but better than I felt when I first started typing this. I got to love me...