Change

I like to consider myself a pretty reserved person...now. We all share the same story that once upon a time we use to have a rocky past and it really didn't take much to make "us"/me explode. Unlike most that say that, I really have war stories as well as war wounds to prove the battle I endured against life and myself. I really can't do anything but smile when I look at my life right now and though this may sound corny, I pat myself on the back every time I am able to "just let it go".
I just celebrated a birthday, and if I'm like the average person, I took a minute to think about my life. I thought about where I was, who I am now, and who I am trying to be in the future. I started to think about what changed me into who I am now. When did I let go of the idea that I no longer had to prove anything to anyone? What happened in my life to make me bust a 180? Well, it must have been the day he said, "I wanna break up..."
He didn't yell it, nor say it in a nasty manner. It was really settle...like..."I wanna break up..." It came at a time in my life that I felt like I was losing everything I had. The decision to move to Charlotte, NC was quick. It literally happened in a week's time. My mom called and said...what you think about Charlotte? I said...never been...she said....well come with me...I said...ahh I'm not sure. I wasn't sure because the guy I had spent the last year and a half of my life with was still in college and wouldn't be able to come with me. We had made so many plans together and moving to Charlotte, NC was not one of them. Well, I told him about my mother's suggestion...he said "do what you think is best for you". At that time, love was what was best for me.
Unfortunately, may parents were still taking care of me (my dad bought me a house, they were still paying my cell phone bills, my car insurance, and putting money in my pockets...and for clarification...I had a job...but my parents like to make sure I had it all). The deal was if I stayed, I would get cut off. If I moved, they would set me up in Charlotte with a new life. Being without the best is not something I'm used to so without a second thought...I informed my guy I would be moving and that was that.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to everyone, but in a week...I left. I gave all my stuff away ...furniture, computers, some clothes and shoes, tv's...everything. I was to completely start over. I am very spiritual person and the whole process was a faith walk. I knew God wanted to do somethings in my life and it required my leaving behind a lot of things. I just didn't think it meant my guy too.
The day after I left...I spoke with him just to let him know how I was and to tell him about my trip to Charlotte, and he tells me "I wanna break up". Mind you we had our fair share of problems, nothing major. I wasn't expecting that. I had just moved to a new city, where no one knew me I had nothing. I though at least I could hold on to him. NOT REALLY. He didn't want me. I was shocked. I was hurt. And after my couple of weeks of heartbreak...I got myself together and made goals. I changed my self and begin working on defining who I was and what I wanted my identity to be. That whole situation gave me so much motivation...I have been full speed and non stop every since.
I hold nothing against him. It was never even about him. It was about me accepting change in its entirty. It was about me competly letting go of my past and baggage. It was about living life in the will of God. Life changed for me...of course. In a years time...I started a business...become a internet radio personality...I've grown closer to my family...and I am enjoying the single life.
I love who I am right now. Its still some things I have to work on (show me one perfect person walking this earth). However, I am good.
As we enter a new era with a African American president who's whole campaign was centered around Change and being bold enough to accept it and practice it, I feel ready. I encourage breaking free and changing everything. Remove your self from that comfort zone and just be a better person.
I am not who I use to be...I have truly changed.
-DFitz

Just to make it

Its easy to loose your self in the mist of your dreams
Conforming to the person that society says you should be
And I have noticed that DFitz with the model walk turns heads
Long curly locks and a nice pair of pumps very sexy legs
Tight fitting clothes, make up, shinny lip gloss, and foundation
Made up is how I would describe my situation
Masked is the real me and hidden are my real dreams
Forced to be a fantasy instead of someone's destiny
Surrounded in a life of lies and deceit
Compromising salvation for a little bit of money
Bandaging wounds, exposing my true innocence
The real me I keep hidden and deny her existence
Never admitting I hurt, or that I even can feel
Or admitting that there is someone I care about for real
Hiding the fact that I work hard to be me
Or her or whatever society expects me to be
I've created the shell that was meant to protect all I am
But all its doing is confusing me so what now?
While trying hard to create DFitz, I lost sensation in my life
My emotions are callous, my tears dried up, I can't determine what is right
My conviction gone, my heart is just ... replaced
Or erased, perhaps misplaced behind a wall with no grace
Bitter feelings pump through my veins and no one is trusted
I only shake hands when the right pair of gloves fit
But I smile and play my role I lost DJuana in the mist
Of becoming unreal... just to make it!

Like I want to

If he stood in my face at this moment and no one else was around
And I had his full attention...our eyes locked and the rest of the world didn't matter
It being the perfect opportunity to convey what I constantly think about
Me to perform those lines I rehearse in the mirror, in the car, in the shower, when I'm alone
I think if he stood in my face at this moment...I'd say nothing!
To admit the slightest interest on my part for someone like him is admitting to a crime in my world
It would tarnish what I have so hard worked to become and at this point...
I stand here in the mist of my thoughts forced to make a decision
Be real with him, stay true to myself, or save my face...
Truth is he's my secret, the secret that I loved to keep
The secret that I had to work too hard to keep, I much rather let it go
He was never worth the risk of the security I have around me everyday
Nor worth the image I worked hard to paint of who I would like the world to see
I owe him the truth, but I owe me so much more...and the truth would say this
It would tell him that I actually do feel and felt for him
It would show that I thought about him outside the hour I spent with him every now and then
It would say how much I hate to see him and how it pains me to ignore him
It would say I wish this was a different world where it was okay for us to be together
It would say I actually gave a damn about him
But admitting that would be like admitting to a crime in my world
And because there is no proof of what I really felt for him...
I enforce my right to remain silent and just say...nothing when I see him
Speak and keep the show going...hoping that no one ever finds out
I am actually torn I can't love him like I want to...
-DFitz

Generation Y I am considered a member of the millennium Y generation. The generation of technology and super genius babies. The generations of accountability and a dire need of acceptance. I am Y. I learned this after a conversation with my mother. Sheltlew (co host of Real Talk) and I sat on her couch one evening, enjoying a HBO flick with our laptops on our laps. I checked my myspace as he read through his facebook postings. She let out a laugh and went on to explain a study she read about "our kind". We like things fast and efficient without having to do much. We want things done, but we want them perfect. She said we find enjoyment in whatever the Internet has to offer as oppose to the baby boomer generation that prefers life slow. An in depth conversation for my generation happens over a text message, while her generation...face to face. Why was this important to know? She said that in her field (management and development) it was important to understand generation Y, and understand why we do some of the things we do. We can't be managed like baby boomers. We have to feel needed and understand why and how everything works. She also included that if the desire to feel needed is not met, we quickly remove ourselves from that situation or place of employment to find someone who needs us. Surprised by the analysis, I couldn't do anything but agree with her. Often I find myself searching to feel needed somewhere. I like to take normally drawn out task and make them simple. I figured that it was just me. Yet after reading the article for myself, I find that I was born into a culture that promotes my way of thinking. After hearing that, a light turned on in the tiny room I thought I shared alone and noticed so many other twenty some thing's. If I come from this generation, I wonder how the next generation will be. We like fast and faster in my generation. Perhaps the next generation will pump the breaks on the speed life and encourage enjoying every moment and not rush time. -DFitz Write is Right

Last week I spent close to four hundred dollars on clothes alone. Hummmmmm, why did I do that? Its something about looking the best I'm addicted to. I have items in my closet that still have tags on them. I have items I have only worn one time for one hour and haven't touched it since. I'm trying to wonder why I insist on spending hundreds of dollars on dresses and shoes as well as blouses and hand bags. Its a therapy for me to shop, or is it. I use to have a drinking problem. Plainly put, I'd drink everyday to make some of the pains in my life go away. And when I finally faced that I was becoming or better yet, had became an alcoholic, I prayed to God to take the desire for Jack Daniels away. And He answered my prayers. However, now, instead of drinking I shop. And if you follow my next few sentences, you will be able to understand why. Simply put, I switched addictions. I shop to cover a past full of disappointment and pain. I shop to make myself feel better about the trails and tribulations I endure daily. I shop because I like the hateful looks females give me when I walk in the room with my nose to the sky because it lets me know I have them fooled. And I also shop because thats what me and my mom do well! I use to spend the same money I spend on my clothes at the ABC store in Montgomery, AL. While I am currently in no rush to change my current addiction, I do admit I have a problem. However, since I want to buy more when I shop, I work hard to make the money to support my addiction. Which means I work eight hours in a hell hole and I work another eight hours for Modern Age Media. All so at the end of the week I can spend another four hundred dollars on some more clothes. True enough I need to face my issues, but right now, I am where I want to be and giving up shopping is not what I want to do right now. -DFitz Write is Right

Gas Prices

4convosakes

So I have this website that goes deeper into my thoughts as a young black woman. Its www.4convosakes.com. I do written, audio, and live& recorded video rants. Be sure to check it out. And for those that would prefer to keep coming to the blog, I'll post the audio episodes here. Just to do some catching up
DFitz - Because He's Light Skin.mp3

DFitz - Ashanti Forced to Sing.mp3

DFitz - Michael Baisden says dont tithe.mp3